


Things the Black Order are NO LONGER allowed to do

by Caithdean



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-01
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 10:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/526174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caithdean/pseuds/Caithdean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Random crack created by myself and ChibiChaos: Mage of Chaos in our statistics lecture a couple of years ago. Enjoy!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things the Black Order are NO LONGER allowed to do

Things the Black Order are NO LONGER Allowed to Do:  
1) Komui is not to be left alone EVER. Reever must be with him at all times.  
2) Komui is not allowed to build forts out of paperwork (it took forever to put them back into their piles!).  
3) Komui is not to build anymore machines to 'help' the science division (the exorcists have enough trauma, they don't need any more!).  
4) Komui is not to do the preliminary checks on new exorcists and their innocence alone. See rule 1.  
5) Komui is not to have more than two sugar cubes in his coffee at any one time (we are still cleaning up the mess).  
6) Komui is not to be told when Lenalee leaves on a mission, lest we all be subjected to the unwelcome sight of a grown man throwing a tantrum.  
7) Komui is not to be told of Lenalee's dates. EVER.  
8) Do not leave Komui in charge of the mail. We do not want another 'Walker Incident'.  
9) When the theme for the staff Christmas party is chosen, stop Komui from offering Kanda a dress reflecting the theme.  
10) Do not ever leave Komui and Kanda alone in the same room EVER. See rule 1. It took weeks to rebuild that wing.  
11) Komui is not to be left alone with Cross Marian and any amount of alcohol; we don't care what the fangirls say!  
12) Komui + alcohol = BANNED  
13) Actually, Komui isn't allowed near either alcohol and/or Cross, period. (We don't know, nor do we WANT to know what happened in that closet, but it will NOT happen again!  
14) Komui is banned from all staff meetings unless in possession of Reever and a sedative. How did you manage to do that to the table?  
15) Komui is to have no say in the design of new uniforms for the exorcists (orange with green polka dots is NOT projecting the image we want!).  
16) Japanese school uniforms are also rejected.  
17) Komui is not to be used as a method for interrogation. We don't care if it actually works!  
18) Komui is also not to be used as an anti-akuma weapon by telling him that Lenalee is getting married to one (it scares the new exorcists).  
19) Komui is never allowed to offer his talents as a hairdresser to Kanda again. He cannot complete his work properly from the infirmary!  
20) Komui is no longer to assign exorcists to missions unassisted. You cannot keep pairing Walker and Lenalee together just because "Lenalee could be kidnapped!" by the other exorcists!  
21) Lenalee is not transferring into the science department. She is an exorcist, deal with it.  
22) Komui is to be under close supervision when Lenalee leaves on a mission, she was scary when he escaped last time…  
23) When Lenalee turns down the dresses handmade by Komui, he is NOT to offer them to Kanda, no matter how good you think he would look…*nosebleed*  
24) Komui is banned from the kitchen forever! Jerry is still cursing the mess…  
25) Never mention ANTHING 'cute', 'girly' or 'feminine' in front of Kanda…or near Kanda…or where he can hear you…Especially in relation to Kanda…the building budget isn't that big…  
26) Celebrating a successful mission by drinking with Lavi is NOT allowed. See rule 12. Lavi shouldn't be drinking either, he is still a minor…maybe…how old IS Lavi?  
27) Kanda and Lenalee cannot be sent undercover as girls. Don't you idiots learn? Refer to rule 25.  
28) Allen is not one of the science departments test subjects. Stop telling everyone he is!  
29) Stop telling everyone Allen Walker is a sex slave. People believe you. We had Tyki Mikk on line 3 two minutes ago, asking how much we charged for a night. This is WRONG!  
30) Allen Walker is not your gopher to send messages to Cross! (Seriously, stop it. The higher ups are getting paranoid).  
31) Kanda is not more likely to wear a dress if you take his sword away. Further experimentation is prohibited. You are expected back at work on Monday, critically injured or no.  
32) If you are so worried about Cross, put a tracker on him! Stop sending exorcist teams out to look for him. We don't care about how lonely you are Komui!  
33) Please refrain from using Reever as a romantic replacement for Cross. We do not need more drama.  
34) Krory does not need to get his innocence checked every week, or his teeth will rot. Stop scaring him with that, we do not need another grown man in tears.  
35) When Leverrier and Link arrive for inspection, you are not allowed to lock the doors and pretend you have all gone out.  
36) Taking the science department out for karaoke when Leverrier and Link arrive for inspection AGAIN is unacceptable! You could have at least invited us…  
37) Blowing the science department budget on parts for the newest Komuin model is NOT an acceptable use for it!  
38) Nor is blowing the budget on new dresses for Kanda! (You already know he won't wear them!)  
39) Sedating any higher ups (especially Leverrier and Link) that come to visit, throwing a party while they are unconscious, then pretending that you've finished the meeting while they deal with their headaches, is NOT funny!  
40) Stop trying to mail Leverrier and Link back to us! It's not like we want them here, and it wastes stamps!  
41) Komui is now banned from all closets, cupboards, and any other small enclosures that may be found at HQ. While we appreciate that you took Reever with you, it's extremely annoying to spend several hours searching for the head scientist.  
42) Komui, your sister is NOT getting married. Stop trying to kill our exorcists for no reason!  
43) Komui, please note that Lavi enjoys jerking your chain. His NOT going to marry Lenalee, if you stopped freaking out every time he'd find something else to do (i.e. someone else to torture).  
44) Sitting in Hevlaska's chamber is NOT working, and you can't tell us it is. We found your manga collection. Consider yourself confined to your office for a week Komui!  
45) Yaoi manga? Doujin? What are these things doing in your office? Lenalee is being sent on a mission with Lavi, she left today. She will be gone for a month! Why won't you learn?  
46) Your request for maternity leave was denied. 1) You are MALE. 2) You CANNOT get pregnant; and 3) You CANNOT visit Lenalee. That's why this is PUNISHMENT!  
47) Kanda is NOT pregnant to Lavi. Allen is NOT pregnant to Lavi. NO ONE is pregnant to Lavi!  
48) Komui, you are a SCIENTIST, surely you could have worked out that is NOT POSSIBLE for a MAN to get PREGNANT!  
49) …No, you can NOT try to prove us wrong! All experimentation regarding this matter is BANNED!!  
50) Please stop bribing the Gate into declaring Leverrier and Link as Akuma every time they come to HQ. Sticking fake pentacles on them doesn't count. Some of the newer exorcists actually believed it…  
51) Komui, why do Cross's reports consist of 60 pages worth of love letters to you before half a page of vague references to his mission?  
52) Hiding you manga in the library book covers is NOT clever. Bookman now seems to believe that several magical creatures live on an island near us. This is NOT good. Or amusing…*snigger*  
53) Lavi is NOT to go looking for said island. FIX THIS, damn you!  
54) Using the clock Miranda's innocence was housed in as firewood is just cruel. If you felt the need to burn it, you could have at least waited until she left the room…  
55) Stop giving Kanda love notes that are supposedly from Allen and vice versa. The HQ was NOT MEANT to hand this kind of abuse!  
56) Komui, Reever is not your slave (sex or otherwise). Stop telling people he is!  
57) Reever, you are not Komui's slave! Stop telling people you are! And stop attempting to give people demonstrations (it's creepy)  
58) As noted in rule 29, Allen is NOT a sex slave. Stop selling him online as one! The Earl has bid twice so far, and we've had Noah members continuously showing up at the front gate to pick him up! He is hiding in Kanda's room! (This is NOT funny!)  
59) None of our exorcists are allowed to be sold! We don't CARE if it's to improve the science budget.  
60) Stop telling Allen that the Earl is his real father, the poor boy is starting to have panic attacks! The Earl also called yesterday about some father-son bonding time…  
61) Stop getting in touch with the Earl to talk about Akuma construction techniques! He is the ENEMY, remember?  
62) Telling Kanda that Allen is having his man babies is not funny! We will not be held responsible for Kanda's actions, YOU will!  
63) Also, stop hiring random kids to call the male exorcists their parents. Neither Kanda nor Allen appreciates being called 'mummy'.  
64) Lenalee called. She apparently met Cross on her mission. They have eloped, and she is expecting her first child.  
65) …  
66) That was a joke you idiot! Back to your desk!  
67) Cross get back to HQ now! We can't handle the drama anymore!  
68) Note to all generals: Should you come across Cross, please capture him and return to HQ ASAP. Komui has vetoed his work until he sees Cross, and confirms that he is NOT married to Lenalee. He is currently living under his desk, surviving on dust bunnies…Why is he in charge again?  
69) Even now that Cross has been found, Reever is to remain in Komui's presence at all times. Rules 11, 12 and 13 still apply.  
70) …we do NOT want to know what you three did in the library…or why Bookman is now claiming to be blind…  
71) Meetings between branch heads are NOT gossip sessions, no matter how much they resemble it!  
72) Cross, we DO NOT CARE how 'tired' you are from your 'night activities', you are NOT allowed to sleep through the meetings!  
73) Sokaro…no. Just…no.  
74) Komui, we don't care if Bak Chan is in love with Lenalee. You are NOT allowed to 'experiment' on him.  
75) Leave Bak Chan alone! Lenalee doesn't even know he exists! He is NOT going to steal her away!  
76) Kanda, you are not to 'help' Komui with his 'experiments' on Bak Chan! We don't care what he said, you should know better. You are now assigned to travel with Tiedol BY YOURSELF for a MONTH. Have fun with that.  
77) We do not have an army of Komui clones in the basement, stop telling people we do! (There are now communal nightmares among EVERYONE!)  
78) Komui, you are NOT a clone, and the real Komui is NOT locked in the basement.  
79) …why would you make a clone of yourself Komui? Don't answer that…  
80) You are BANNED from EVER creating clones!  
81) Timpcampy is NOT a spy for the Earl, stop telling Kanda that he is! We do NOT need more issues between him and Allen!  
82) Kanda and Allen are NOT to be locked in small spaces together…ever again! We do not care what the fans said!  
83) Lavi is not allowed to sew. Ever. Blood transfusions cost money you know!  
84) Komui…why was Tyki Mikk spotted coming out of Lavi's room? How did he get inside HQ anyway?  
85) …Lavi is no longer allowed to invite members of the Noah family into HQ. THEY ARE OUR ENEMIES!  
86) We don't care if Allen wanted to play poker with them.  
87) Or if he was winning.  
88) Allen is not allowed to leave HQ at night to go play poker with Tyki Mikk. Try to remember Allen, that HE IS OUR ENEMY!!  
89) Also, Lavi, sleeping with the enemy is BANNED! We don't care if it works.  
90) Work is NOT supposed to be 'fun'.  
91) ALL NOAH ARE ENEMIES!! TREAT THEM AS SUCH!!  
92) There is no such game as 'Torment Kanda'. Even if there were, we would not condone playing it (but hey, your funeral).  
93) We do NOT make decisions based on what the fans want! They are not the ones in charge of the Order!  
94) …apparently, we stand corrected.  
95) Komui, Reever is not an appropriate battering ram to use when attempting to escape.  
96) Nor are ANY of the members of the Science department!  
97) The paperwork you are given is NOT for origami! Please use it for its actual purpose.  
98) …this does NOT mean that you can just ignore it Komui!  
99) No member of the Science division is allowed coffee after midnight. Not even decaff!  
100) Any ideas made by the science department after midnight are to be ignored. Period. (Blue jelly should NOT be used to replace the water in the hot springs)  
101) A paper-cut is NOT a good enough excuse to miss work, stop taking up room in the infirmary!  
102) Kanda is NOT a cursed prince; he is also NOT from 'Beauty & the Beast'. His lotus is NOT magical like that!  
103) Getting Allen or Lavi to tell Kanda that they 'Love' him will not 'save' him, nor will it return him to his original 'beautiful self'. THERE IS NO BEAUTIFUL ORIGINAL SELF!  
104) Allen is BANNED from the kitchen without supervision, we KNOW it was YOU! We do not appreciate missing breakfast because you felt 'peckish' last night!  
105) Timcampy does NOT count as supervision Allen!  
106) Krory, while an adult, also does NOT count as supervision.  
107) Krory needs permission to enter the kitchen as well.  
108) The exorcists do NOT need theme songs for when they go into battle.  
109) Daisya, your innocence is NOT a Pokeball! Stop throwing it at Akuma while trying to 'catch 'em all'. You DO NOT NEED TO CATCH THEM ALL!  
110) Komui and the rest of the Science Department: The exorcists are NOT a marketing ploy, stop selling merchandise of them! We don't care how well it sells.  
111) Yaoi doujins of our exorcists are prohibited! Especially ones involving the Noah family. Refer to rule 91. Also, the fans scare us. Please stop.  
112) The primary focus of the Black Order is NOT to protect Lenalee! Stop telling the new exorcists that!

Authors Notes:  
ChibiChaos: Mage of Chaos and I wrote this in our statistics lecture, lol, guess how much we learned in that class?


End file.
